I’m back bitches!

Unfortunately, it’s with something I’ve already done before but with variations – I’m making banana bread but vEgAn. Not by choice – my broke-down bitch of a sister doesn’t have eggs or butter or anything that normal humans have.

Because it’s vegan, this banana bread is dedicated to all those dudes who act like eating animals is a social justice violation. The word speciesism exists, folks, and it’s out to show you that white men have a lot of room in their asses for their heads.

Another indication that my sister is busted as fuck is that when I reached down in her “food drawer” to grab her bananas, they ALL broke off by the stems. Not like, one banana that was too heavy and overripe to stay on. All of them. This bitch.

Anyway, the part it where I stick it to the vegan dudebro:
I’m sorry I allowed this repugnant image to be viewed by anyone but myself.
IMG_3510And this one too.

The recipe I was looking at was from the BBC so all the measurements were in weights, so I had to convert everything (but who has time for that, so I mostly just threw shit in). I put flour and baking soda in (the recipe called for baking powder but I didn’t read it that carefully, so after some panicked internet searching I found that I sort of could substitute one for the other. Whatever). Actually, I’m looking at the recipe now and apparently I put everything in out of order. I was supposed to put sugar and oil in first, but actually I put it in last, after cinnamonvanilla and nutmeg. Let’s see how this little bag of dicks comes out!

I’m not gonna bother taking a picture of a brown square inside a pan, but I will show you the atrocity that my sister created when my back was turned:



(It’s so ominous)

I know I could look up an internet tutorial on how to cut this dummy open, but it seems like even the internet won’t have a truly exhaustive answer. These weird-ass fruits are like a Marx brothers film where Groucho gets a giant present and he opens the box only to find another box, opens that box to find another box, and continues to open the boxes to find that there are only more and more boxes. You cut the mango only to find that there is just more mango inside, and never any pit, just mango! Thanks a lot, Harpo!

Whenever I buy these it’s because they’re on sale at our weird grocery store and my roommates always scoff and say that in Pakistan mangoes are like 10x bigger and 1000x juicier or whatever and I’m like chill, bitch. We have Krispy Kreme.

(Image from marthastewart.com, obvi)

Yeah. fucking. RIGHT! This bitch was not about to come out as a bunch of uniform cubes.


And can we just talk about Igor over here?