I’m back bitches!

Unfortunately, it’s with something I’ve already done before but with variations – I’m making banana bread but vEgAn. Not by choice – my broke-down bitch of a sister doesn’t have eggs or butter or anything that normal humans have.

Because it’s vegan, this banana bread is dedicated to all those dudes who act like eating animals is a social justice violation. The word speciesism exists, folks, and it’s out to show you that white men have a lot of room in their asses for their heads.

Another indication that my sister is busted as fuck is that when I reached down in her “food drawer” to grab her bananas, they ALL broke off by the stems. Not like, one banana that was too heavy and overripe to stay on. All of them. This bitch.

Anyway, the part it where I stick it to the vegan dudebro:
IMG_3509
I’m sorry I allowed this repugnant image to be viewed by anyone but myself.
IMG_3510And this one too.

The recipe I was looking at was from the BBC so all the measurements were in weights, so I had to convert everything (but who has time for that, so I mostly just threw shit in). I put flour and baking soda in (the recipe called for baking powder but I didn’t read it that carefully, so after some panicked internet searching I found that I sort of could substitute one for the other. Whatever). Actually, I’m looking at the recipe now and apparently I put everything in out of order. I was supposed to put sugar and oil in first, but actually I put it in last, after cinnamonvanilla and nutmeg. Let’s see how this little bag of dicks comes out!

I’m not gonna bother taking a picture of a brown square inside a pan, but I will show you the atrocity that my sister created when my back was turned:
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Feminist Banana Bread

Guess what bitches?? I’m down to my last leaf of kale! Is it because I have starting actually sewing it into clothing? Perhaps, but look at the results!

Anyway, other than the obvious benefit, which is the symbolic crushing of the patriarchy, banana bread is great because it makes old, flaccid, impotent bananas useful!

banana_dicks
(I will call them Rush Limbaugh, Terry Richardson, and Woody Allen)

Also, what IS baking. Literally, you pull plants out of the ground and grind them up, take chickens’ unfertilized babies, squeeze the shit out of plants until oil comes out, mix it all together, heat it up, and it comes out as solid? What the fuck?

Anyway, after pulverizing these little shits while burning my bra and quoting bell hooks, I put in butter (which, btw, why do people buy unsalted butter? It tastes like straight up nothing and all recipes have salt in them anyway), egg, vanilla, baking soda, cinnamon, cloves, sugar, and wHoLe WhEaT flour and put it in a pan.

dog_poop

Honestly, I don’t have much to talk about here except dicks. I’m sorry.

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I burnt it and it tastes like warm, hard sponge I’m guessing because whole wheat flour is stupid.

Chia Pudding

Ok why is everyone obsessed with this stuff. And honestly if I see the word Paleo again I am going to barf cheetos all over everyone.


(image from popsugar)

I’m like YAS mine is going to look like this beautiful jar of tapioca pudding.

OK NO

I made this out of my roommate’s random ass bag of Chia seeds that I’m pretty sure have been in the pantry since we moved in – she’s into buying “super foods” or whatever but she never actually makes anything out of them. She calls it “grocery amnesia” – I have another name for it but in the end it’s positive for me because I can experiment with all the weird stuff she buys.

Anyway this shit is ALL OVER the internet and all those new-agey restaurants all over New York that manage to sell oatmeal for $4.99 because it’s gluten free – hate to tell you but oatmeal was always gluten free.

Anyway I figured there had to be something here because people are so into this shit – well let me tell you.

I thought I was going to have straight up dessert for breakfast and it turns out I’m that barracuda that eats Nemo’s brothers and sisters. OK yes it was easy as fuck. I used my roommate’s almond milk that she forgot about and all the recipes said “aGaVe SyRuP” or whatever so I used some leftover pancake syrup from one time my roommates thought they were going to make brunch but ended up going out because it turns out pancakes are not fun to make hungover at 2 PM on a Sunday.

This is what it looked like:

chia_pudding
(all the spoons are in the dishwasher)

LOL. Anyway I guess it isn’t the worst thing I have ever eaten but I got McDonald’s on the way to work because it didn’t fill me up as much as it said it would, plus if I’m going to be a bougey bitch in the morning I should probably make up for it by going back to my true self.