DEBATE

So I’m shacking up in my room to watch the debate and hang up shelves (We Can Do It!) and burn a dope ass Apple Honey Butter candle. Btw, I downloaded this Chrome extension to enable me to watch The Great British Bakeoff (aka God’s #1 gift to all of us) from BBC, which really seemed too good to be true, and I was certain it wasn’t going to work out when I first opened the player and got a dialogue box:

“You need a television license to watch this programme. Do you have a television license?”

…….”Yes?”

“Ok! Enjoy your programme!”

Literally? Like, what if you opened HBO Go and it was like, “Do you have an HBO account?” And you were like “Yes?” and it was like, “Ok enjoy HBO!”

Damn, England, Brexit really fucked with you, didn’t it?

Anyway, thoughts on the debate:

  1. I “purposely” had a couple of beers prior to this debate to dumb myself down.
  2. TBH where does Donald get his makeup bc he’s glowing
  3. I’m all for fat acceptance except for Donald’s stupid fat head
  4. Here’s a fact check of the debate: http://www.npr.org/2016/09/26/495115346/fact-check-first-presidential-debate – this is honestly all the commentary that this debate needs and it’s literally objective.
  5. Why is he calling her Secretary Clinton? Does he think that she’s still Secretary of State?
  6. “Words Matter.” YES!! I know I’m fitting into a white girl stereotype but she’s a fucking boss, I don’t care what anyone says.
  7. Actually I do care about what other people say – I know people have issues with Hillary for supporting the war, phrases like “Super Predators,” dumb shit like using a private email – I do take that seriously. I’m white, straight-passing, able-bodied, cisgender, etc etc, and I know that I get to say I love her without feeling negatively affected by her past actions. But gah she just has such a winning smile! I want to hug her. Also, and I shouldn’t even have to say this, but you do realize what will happen if you don’t vote for her, right? And I could go on and on about the implications of being a female politician and how many difficult (and potentially unpopular, or popular but dated, etc) decisions a woman would have to make to get to the point that Hillary has. But that’s for a different post.
  8. “He loves beauty contests – supporting them, and hanging around them.” She pulls no goddamned punches.
  9. This should have been obvious prior to starting this, but I literally can’t say anything intelligent about this debate because everything he says is a lie. What a fucking travesty that this poised woman with decades of experience under her belt has to be interrupted by a garbage filled hot dog bun for an hour and a half while half of America roots against her. UGHHHASDHFLAKSDFJLASDF;LAJDSF
  10. I. AM. WITH. HER.

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I’m back bitches!

Unfortunately, it’s with something I’ve already done before but with variations – I’m making banana bread but vEgAn. Not by choice – my broke-down bitch of a sister doesn’t have eggs or butter or anything that normal humans have.

Because it’s vegan, this banana bread is dedicated to all those dudes who act like eating animals is a social justice violation. The word speciesism exists, folks, and it’s out to show you that white men have a lot of room in their asses for their heads.

Another indication that my sister is busted as fuck is that when I reached down in her “food drawer” to grab her bananas, they ALL broke off by the stems. Not like, one banana that was too heavy and overripe to stay on. All of them. This bitch.

Anyway, the part it where I stick it to the vegan dudebro:
IMG_3509
I’m sorry I allowed this repugnant image to be viewed by anyone but myself.
IMG_3510And this one too.

The recipe I was looking at was from the BBC so all the measurements were in weights, so I had to convert everything (but who has time for that, so I mostly just threw shit in). I put flour and baking soda in (the recipe called for baking powder but I didn’t read it that carefully, so after some panicked internet searching I found that I sort of could substitute one for the other. Whatever). Actually, I’m looking at the recipe now and apparently I put everything in out of order. I was supposed to put sugar and oil in first, but actually I put it in last, after cinnamonvanilla and nutmeg. Let’s see how this little bag of dicks comes out!

I’m not gonna bother taking a picture of a brown square inside a pan, but I will show you the atrocity that my sister created when my back was turned:
IMG_3512

Granola

Guess what dummies? Granola is cheap as fuck! I know the $8.99 recycled paper bag of artisan agave gojiberry granola says otherwise, but I am horrified to find out how few people my age, people who, like, pay taxes and operate cars and have full time jobs, don’t realize that granola is literally just oats.

Most of the time I am disgusted by those Pinterest recipes that are like, make [insert delicious junk food] at home! Why the fuck would I make my own Poptart when I can literally walk five feet to the Bodega and spend like 50 cents on one? The world is an unfathomable place.

But granola, y’all. It’s four cups of oats to 1/3 cup of oil and 1/2 cup of honey and that’s IT. I added cinnamon and cloves and then baked at 300 degrees for 15 minutes, stirred, then 15 more minutes.

granola

Oh my…that picture is somehow worse than the other ones. Like, it’s somehow both blurry and shows the details enough to make it look gross??? Ugh

Feminist Banana Bread

Guess what bitches?? I’m down to my last leaf of kale! Is it because I have starting actually sewing it into clothing? Perhaps, but look at the results!

Anyway, other than the obvious benefit, which is the symbolic crushing of the patriarchy, banana bread is great because it makes old, flaccid, impotent bananas useful!

banana_dicks
(I will call them Rush Limbaugh, Terry Richardson, and Woody Allen)

Also, what IS baking. Literally, you pull plants out of the ground and grind them up, take chickens’ unfertilized babies, squeeze the shit out of plants until oil comes out, mix it all together, heat it up, and it comes out as solid? What the fuck?

Anyway, after pulverizing these little shits while burning my bra and quoting bell hooks, I put in butter (which, btw, why do people buy unsalted butter? It tastes like straight up nothing and all recipes have salt in them anyway), egg, vanilla, baking soda, cinnamon, cloves, sugar, and wHoLe WhEaT flour and put it in a pan.

dog_poop

Honestly, I don’t have much to talk about here except dicks. I’m sorry.

banana_bread_finished

I burnt it and it tastes like warm, hard sponge I’m guessing because whole wheat flour is stupid.