my stupid fucking baking blog

OMG y’all, I’ve actually fulfilled the original purpose of this blog once again – while I was in Chapel Hill, I baked a pie! Well, to be more accurate, I stood around taking pictures of gross-looking things while Mary attempted to scoot around me.

I’m going to write a post about that later on when I feel like it (potentially never), but since it’s New Years I’m going to write a post about *~*New Years Resolutions*~*

Ugh this is hard because I have so many zits that it’s impossible to focus. Pretty sure they’re sucking up my brain power in order to grow their strength and take over the world. TBH, a world where my zits were in charge instead of dump truck Trump would probably improve everyone’s lives.

This year has been intense for our country as a whole – do we say that every year? It’s necessary to have some collective and individual amnesia for survival; otherwise we’d be constantly agonizing over all the trauma we’d experienced in our lives. I think almost everyone is feeling eager for us to banish this year to the past, but I’m wary of allowing myself to be relieved over an arbitrary border of time units. What if next year is just as bad, or worse? Shall I invest in another arbitrary concept and knock on wood?

I’ll attempt to do my part in making next year less of a car accident with a porta-potty cleaning truck. Some ideas I’ve been considering in terms of my own self-improvement:

  1. Panty-liners. Why the fuck have I not been using these? I always leave tampons in when my period is almost over because I don’t want my cute underwear to be ruined, and I could just be protecting my undies (and myself from literal Toxic Shock Syndrome) by using panty-liners.
  2. I just realized why the fuck I have not been using panty-liners. Because they’re called panty-liners.
  3. Meditation. I told my fuckhead psychiatrist (who cancelled our appointment 20 minutes prior because he was “sick,” AKA afraid of me) that I’d meditate three minutes in the morning and three minutes at night. But it feels so long! It’s incredible how ten episodes of Law and Order: SVU can go by in a second and three minutes can feel like a lifetime. The mechanics of time fill me with mystery and awe.
  4. “Monotasking,” AKA the most pretentious way of saying “paying attention.” One of the reasons it takes me so goddamn long to write a blog post is that literally anything can catch my attention, especially if that thing is this gif:
    gallery-1472562423-giphy
    But every skill takes practice. Such a necessary concept for me because I’m so easily bored. I know intuitively that when I do one thing at a time, I get so much more shit done. Unfortunately, my memory is also poor. The reality of the situation is that I need to pull a Memento and just tattoo that shit all over my body, along with “Exercise and you will feel better, it’s literally science,” “Eat vegetables or you won’t be able to poop, also literal science,” and “Tattoo lessons that you’ve learned on yourself or you’ll forget them.”
  5. Writing every day. Based on how stupid my blog is, you’d be surprised to know how much time and effort each post requires. But being able to laugh at the shitstorm that is life in New York rather than stewing in its shittiness improves my life in a way that I didn’t think possible. Food for thought for those of you who I always nag about starting a blog.
  6. I have a habit of asking too much of myself around New Years – I’ll resolve to practice singing more, write more music, eat healthier, exercise more, and be a better person all at once. So maybe I’ll try one thing at a time this year. Starting with getting my fiber back on track.

I hope y’all are having a wonderful first day of 2017 and feeling slightly less nihilist than yesterday. Make sure you eat collard greens and black eyed peas and corn bread, or the southern gods will bless your heart into oblivion.

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