On luck, or the lack thereof

This city has a way of making you feel like luck is real, or perhaps that instant karma is, and that one of the two is following you around everywhere. After choir as I was swiping through the turnstile I noticed my train was already sitting in the station, a situation which always sends my stomach a-dropping, because I know I’m probably about to be waiting on the platform for fifteen minutes even though the train is before my eyes. I sprinted and just as I cleared the end of the train, the doors closed within arm’s reach. A typical, God-is-fucking-with-me moment in New York. But then the doors, as they occasionally do, reopened and I got on! I thought back to earlier that day, when I helped a lady carry a hefty stroller down two flights of stairs ~

How can you not believe that someone is looking out for you at such redemptive moments?

Probably because as many times as those serendipitously “lucky” moments have happened, I’ve missed the train by the skin of my teeth when I’m running late already.

If you are a believer in coincidence, as I am – luck and karma in such an unequal world don’t sit well with me – you have to hold steadfast when you live here, because New York, a city of eight million, has a magical way of placing you right next to someone you know. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve uttered the words “What are the chances?” How can it be a coincidence that I ran into this awful guy I dated three separate times in completely absurd places? How can it be totally random that I saw one of my old college friends on the subway platform the very day she moved here? But it is.

This post is so boring that I’m actually falling asleep right now, so let me just tell you that this morning when I got on the train I grabbed onto a pole that was still warm from whichever nasty-ass diseased hand was holding it. It felt so gross, like sitting on a toilet seat still warm from the previous ass.

Speaking of falling asleep, I’m on Day 3 of the full dose of Lexapro and I’m pretty drowsy. I think the drowsiness will pass, but I haven’t felt particularly motivated since I started the medication. I’m wondering if this is a result of some abatement of that latent anxiety – that undercurrent of “I need to be accomplishing something right now or I will feel bad about it” – but I still feel bad about it. My mom tells  me I need to be patient with myself while I’m shifting my brain chemistry. I HATE BEING PATIENT!


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