I’m on My Period

(TW: periods obvi, violence against women)

I just wanted to write a little run-down of the reality of this ~

BTW, when I googled “tampons” to review some prices, it told me that “tampon” is also a verb, which I will now be using liberally in sentences such as, “Hey dude, please tampon your mouth while I finish my fucking sentence.”

Anyway, feel free to start with this Huffington Post article, which is a little outdated seeing as birth control is usually covered partially or fully by insurance and also I’m a grown ass woman and I can pay money for fucking chocolate, but you get the point.

Another BTW, I’ll try my best to not be trans-exclusive in this post but I can only speak from a cis-woman point of view, and my gender identity is not incidental to my experience of having a period.

So aside from all the money we spend on shedding our uterine lining while making significantly less money than you, we also get to experience some really fun side effects!

  1. Shame – Dudes are seriously grossed out by period blood, which is somehow gross while semen isn’t? And before you go #notallmen on me, I understand that not all dudes are this basic, but if you want to argue that there’s not a stigma around period blood then you can stick a tampon in it. I mean, why else do they use blue liquid in pad commercials instead of chunky tomato bisque?
  2. Back and front pain – “cramps” aren’t just some little complaint like the feeling of squishing your balls together while you make a polite amount of space between you and the person next to you on the train. They hurt your back and your front and sometimes your literal vagina is sore and tender too. I know people whose cramps are so bad that they throw up (not me #blessed). They come in waves, kind of like contractions, which is what they are.
  3. Ruining your shit – I mean it sucks having period stains on your underwear but do you realize that jeans are like $80?? And sheets too?
  4. Unexpectedness – Usually I can feel my period coming, which honestly I can get a little The Red Tent about because it’s cool as shit that we are so in tune with our bodies that we can feel our period coming a whole day before. But like, when? In the middle of a meeting? While standing on the subway because some dude is testing out how wide his split can go? While I’m asleep so it ruins my underwear and sheets? Or my favorite, when I’m at Disney World with my dad and his 25-year-old girlfriend in 8th grade?
  5. The rest of your bodily functions – Your body doesn’t just stop doing shit (literally) while you’re on your period. Although it can. There are details to this that even I don’t want to share. Feel free to use your imagination.
  6. Moodiness – Which, by the way, you’d better not let show, because then you’ll fit right into a fucking stereotype. Saw a video of puppies? Time to cry. Listening to Beyonce? Time to cry. Watching the most frustrating presidential election of all time during which your gender is consistently used as a reason for the lack of prepared-ness and fitness of the most qualified person in the country? Time to cry. Yes, this makes us much more unpredictable and volatile than this dude who shot a woman in the eye when she told him to back off, this dude who shot a woman in the chest when she told him to back off, and this dude who shot a woman in the chest and head when she told him to back off. I could have linked to all of those famous murders committed by women on their periods, but they don’t exist.
  7. You literally hope for all this shit to happen to you in order to not be pregnant.

So, next time I hear a dude say literally anything about periods aside from “let me rub your back and here is some ice cream, thank you for putting up with being the bearer of human life” I will remind him that his mother had to have her period many times in order for his worthless ass to be born.

 

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