Yesterday I attended an event called “Fun, Fearless Money” thrown by Cosmopolitan, the magazine that brought you life-changing sex tips such as:
“When fondling his manhood, slip a hair scrunchy around the base of it. The tight scrunchy combined with your touch creates an amazing sensation.”
“Very softly bite the skin of his scrotum.”
“Move my penis all around like an old-school joystick – up, down, side to side, in a circle.”
TBH I learned that I’m a huge dumbass when it comes to investing, and that you can, indeed, serve fudge cubes on hooks hanging from an epee and call them fudgsicles. Other takeaways:
- If you give muffins to a room full of women who read Cosmo, nobody will eat them.
- Tyra Banks can speak for half an hour and never say “smize.” Tyra Banks can speak for half an hour and never say “five-head.” Tyra Banks can speak for half an hour and never say “I have never yelled at a girl like this! When my mother yells like this it’s because she loves me! I was rooting for you! We were all rooting for you! How dare you! Learn from this!” By the way, did you know that “Super Entrepreneur” and “Super CEO” are things, and that Tyra is both of them (and also made those words up)?
- Jason Biggs’ wife is just as much of a douche as I feel like he is. I have no proof, but I just feel like he is.
- The CCO of Hearst (almost made that “Hearts” – Freudian slip) is BAE. She was wearing a black turtleneck with silver pants. I want to be her butler.
- But for real for one second. I did keep hearing the advice that you should take the cruel and damning things others have said to you and use them to drive you forward. I’ve thought of myself as “that type of person” since I was young and my dad called me “mediocre” and “narcissistic” and “selfish” etc. at twelve years old and peaced out of my life. I’ve used the endless ambition to prove myself to my father as an impetus to accomplish things in life, but I’ve been told by others that I will only be satisfied if – not to sound corny – my motivation comes from within. I ruminate on this often.
- If you use the term “consumer-facing” often enough everyone will think you know what the fuck you’re talking about.
- And the most important takeaway: