Reasons I ride a bike in NYC

  1. Need to be able to crush a man with my thighs
  2. Faster than walking because my legs are actually only several inches long
  3. I look super cool wearing a helmet, on account of my head is huge
  4. I don’t like touching dudes’ nasty ass thighs on the train when they are doing the literal splits

    too_much_space
    GOD I JUST WANT TO THROW A FRAPPUCINO ONTO YOUR STUPID CROTCH
  5. Keeps dudes from hollering at me (except twice in the last week, but like I get it because they just can’t resist the cut-off hand-me-down [from Mom] Bermuda shorts – yes, she cut pants off into Bermuda shorts – that I always wear to bike because I’m too cheap to buy bike shorts)
  6. Easier to fart than while walking
  7. I have a lot of stories from when I was a bike messenger, like being stuck for half an hour in an elevator (think Union Square prewar, with doors that open on hinges and room for about 5 people) with 11 friends (I did not know them, but they all knew each other) who met at Burning Man – they invited me to their brunch for some reason, which in retrospect was probably supposed to end up being a sexual thing
  8. Tbh the main thing is the crushing ability

 

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