Yesterday: This morning a dude was taking so long at the MTA machine (and like, this dude though. He was bald and had round glasses and a too-full book bag but he was older so it was weird that he was wearing a book bag, and I think something he was wearing was rainbow but not like a gay rainbow, it was like a mid-century modern rainbow that Megan from Mad Men would have worn as a pattern on her pants early 5th season but ONLY IN THE HOME when she was attempting to look humble towards her actor friends, anyway it seemed like it was pretty redundant for this dude to be buying a metro card because he could definitely transport via puffs of smoke) that both me and the dude in front of me missed the train. The dude in front of me, like a human being, looked at me like, “Ugh, this is so annoying that this happened to both of us. It’s raining and everything! MONDAYS, AMIRITE?” Whereas I, being a garbage troll, blankly stared into his eyes while blind rage bubbled deep within me. How dare you try to act like a human being at a time like this? I turned from him without expression to use the MTA machine, refilled my Metrocard in record time just to prove the point (to no one) how douchey that wizard guy was for taking so Goddamned long, and proceeded through the turnstile unnecessarily swiftly. My train wasn’t going to come for another ten minutes, but I really just had to be a dick about it.
Anyway, while I was storming down the platform for no reason like a fucking she-demon, I slammed my umbrella closed and stabbed myself in the finger.
That’s the whole story, and maybe? you? had?? to be??? there???? but in all seriousness (or like, partial seriousness) it does serve as a metaphor for that thing that happens, that shit goes wrong for you and if you just relaxed and acted like a fucking person it would pass but instead you have to act like a psycho and end up hurting yourself in the process. And by “you,” in case anyone couldn’t tell, I mean “Leah” aka “me,” because I feel like most people aren’t such psychopaths at all times?
Today: Told an actual male dude to stop interrupting me, sprouted wings, ascended from this earth as onlookers gazed in awe, burst into stardust and looked into the eyes of God. God said, “Me dammit Leah, there was so much left for you to accomplish on earth.” “Ugh, fine,” I said, as I gracefully returned. Two sentences later dude interrupted me again and I just let it go because who has time to ascend into heaven every 30 seconds??