The City that Never Sleeps

I’m having what I call a “fallow day.” This is a term I use to feel less guilty about having a day to do nothing and recharge. Although I hesitate to read too far into personality types, I’m pretty Type A, which for me means feeling guilty when I’m not being productive. Guilty and anxious.

Everyone has their own version of this, but I call days like this “fallow” because words are powerful. In New York, there’s a collective consciousness of ambition, pushing blindly ahead. We are rewarded for staying at the office until 8 PM; we brag about being too busy. I am guilty of having these conversations with myself. I constantly feel like time is running out.

I call days like this “fallow” because within the word lies the contradiction of doing nothing and doing something at the same time. People meditate because it makes them more able to act. I am slowly attempting to master the fallow. Admittedly, it isn’t going well. Even right now, I’m writing instead of doing nothing. I’ve felt completely uninspired all day because I was doing nothing. Now I’m writing about doing nothing.

I’ve been thinking a lot about how New York affects me. I always want to make sweeping generalizations because everyone seems so unhappy here. When I’m scrutinizing my current existence, I don’t feel connected to my friends or the world. When I say that New York pushes blindly ahead, I use the word “blindly” purposefully. The people who succeed here have an iron will and thick skin. They can see homeless people every day and ignore them. They can get catcalled all day and not feel like crying. They can work twelve-hour days. They can disregard injustice.

I feel like it’s sacrilege to say I don’t love New York. It feels like having paper-thin skin. I miss my friends living in the same neighborhood as me, I miss driving, I miss the expectation of politeness. I am constantly on high alert, and I’m constantly aware that I’m a woman.

But then again…

I saw Tilda Swinton in the East Village one time. So I kind of feel like it’s worth it.



Feeling kind of bummy today because of dudes on this planet being pure garbage along with just being tired as shit, because sometimes even a lady wakes up at 4 AM full of gas and existential dread.

I didn’t fart at all tho so I dunno where it all went – what else is new

Hare Krishna, y’all

An outline of the above:
1. Standing Hare Krishna dude spends the whole ride turnt the fuck up around that pole.
2. Older white tourist has **found**his**people** after having three Bud Lights at the Times Square Olive Garden.
3. Actual Desi woman in the lower right corner is like “LOLOL gonna get Instagram famous offa these fools”
4. Dude on the right side, AKA every New Yorker at all times, DOES NOT GIVE ANY FUCKS. AT ALL.


So I’m shacking up in my room to watch the debate and hang up shelves (We Can Do It!) and burn a dope ass Apple Honey Butter candle. Btw, I downloaded this Chrome extension to enable me to watch The Great British Bakeoff (aka God’s #1 gift to all of us) from BBC, which really seemed too good to be true, and I was certain it wasn’t going to work out when I first opened the player and got a dialogue box:

“You need a television license to watch this programme. Do you have a television license?”


“Ok! Enjoy your programme!”

Literally? Like, what if you opened HBO Go and it was like, “Do you have an HBO account?” And you were like “Yes?” and it was like, “Ok enjoy HBO!”

Damn, England, Brexit really fucked with you, didn’t it?

Anyway, thoughts on the debate:

  1. I “purposely” had a couple of beers prior to this debate to dumb myself down.
  2. TBH where does Donald get his makeup bc he’s glowing
  3. I’m all for fat acceptance except for Donald’s stupid fat head
  4. Here’s a fact check of the debate: – this is honestly all the commentary that this debate needs and it’s literally objective.
  5. Why is he calling her Secretary Clinton? Does he think that she’s still Secretary of State?
  6. “Words Matter.” YES!! I know I’m fitting into a white girl stereotype but she’s a fucking boss, I don’t care what anyone says.
  7. Actually I do care about what other people say – I know people have issues with Hillary for supporting the war, phrases like “Super Predators,” dumb shit like using a private email – I do take that seriously. I’m white, straight-passing, able-bodied, cisgender, etc etc, and I know that I get to say I love her without feeling negatively affected by her past actions. But gah she just has such a winning smile! I want to hug her. Also, and I shouldn’t even have to say this, but you do realize what will happen if you don’t vote for her, right? And I could go on and on about the implications of being a female politician and how many difficult (and potentially unpopular, or popular but dated, etc) decisions a woman would have to make to get to the point that Hillary has. But that’s for a different post.
  8. “He loves beauty contests – supporting them, and hanging around them.” She pulls no goddamned punches.
  9. This should have been obvious prior to starting this, but I literally can’t say anything intelligent about this debate because everything he says is a lie. What a fucking travesty that this poised woman with decades of experience under her belt has to be interrupted by a garbage filled hot dog bun for an hour and a half while half of America roots against her. UGHHHASDHFLAKSDFJLASDF;LAJDSF
  10. I. AM. WITH. HER.


Yesterday I attended an event called “Fun, Fearless Money” thrown by Cosmopolitan, the magazine that brought you life-changing sex tips such as:

When fondling his manhood, slip a hair scrunchy around the base of it. The tight scrunchy combined with your touch creates an amazing sensation.”

Very softly bite the skin of his scrotum.

Move my penis all around like an old-school joystick – up, down, side to side, in a circle.

TBH I learned that I’m a huge dumbass when it comes to investing, and that you can, indeed, serve fudge cubes on hooks hanging from an epee and call them fudgsicles. Other takeaways:

  1. If you give muffins to a room full of women who read Cosmo, nobody will eat them.
  2. Tyra Banks can speak for half an hour and never say “smize.” Tyra Banks can speak for half an hour and never say “five-head.” Tyra Banks can speak for half an hour and never say “I have never yelled at a girl like this! When my mother yells like this it’s because she loves me! I was rooting for you! We were all rooting for you! How dare you! Learn from this!” By the way, did you know that “Super Entrepreneur” and “Super CEO” are things, and that Tyra is both of them (and also made those words up)?img_9923
  3. Jason Biggs’ wife is just as much of a douche as I feel like he is. I have no proof, but I just feel like he is.
  4. The CCO of Hearst (almost made that “Hearts” – Freudian slip) is BAE. She was wearing a black turtleneck with silver pants. I want to be her butler.

    “I need a drink”
  5. But for real for one second. I did keep hearing the advice that you should take the cruel and damning things others have said to you and use them to drive you forward. I’ve thought of myself as “that type of person” since I was young and my dad called me “mediocre” and “narcissistic” and “selfish” etc. at twelve years old and peaced out of my life. I’ve used the endless ambition to prove myself to my father as an impetus to accomplish things in life, but I’ve been told by others that I will only be satisfied if – not to sound corny – my motivation comes from within. I ruminate on this often.
  6. If you use the term “consumer-facing” often enough everyone will think you know what the fuck you’re talking about.
  7. And the most important takeaway:img_1049

Reasons I ride a bike in NYC

  1. Need to be able to crush a man with my thighs
  2. Faster than walking because my legs are actually only several inches long
  3. I look super cool wearing a helmet, on account of my head is huge
  4. I don’t like touching dudes’ nasty ass thighs on the train when they are doing the literal splits

  5. Keeps dudes from hollering at me (except twice in the last week, but like I get it because they just can’t resist the cut-off hand-me-down [from Mom] Bermuda shorts – yes, she cut pants off into Bermuda shorts – that I always wear to bike because I’m too cheap to buy bike shorts)
  6. Easier to fart than while walking
  7. I have a lot of stories from when I was a bike messenger, like being stuck for half an hour in an elevator (think Union Square prewar, with doors that open on hinges and room for about 5 people) with 11 friends (I did not know them, but they all knew each other) who met at Burning Man – they invited me to their brunch for some reason, which in retrospect was probably supposed to end up being a sexual thing
  8. Tbh the main thing is the crushing ability


Black lives matter

I decided to ponder my whiteness today and thought, what more appropriate place than the Returns & Exchanges department at Ikea?

I think one of the urgent humps that we as white people need to get over (and I use the term “get over” with purpose) is the extraordinary fear of being called “racist.” I find that many white people are far more offended by being called racist than the actual perpetuation of racism that is happening all around them. We must admit that we are racist.

We must stop denying racism and instead acknowledge it, examine it, critique it, make every attempt to abolish it. We live in a racist society where people of color have less agency than white people. We internalize the reality of the situation, regardless of which race we are. If you’ve ever seen that video of black kids saying they’d rather have white dolls because they’re more beautiful, you’ve seen (a minute example of) what internalized racism does. If you view the status of black people in this country – more likely to live in poverty, more likely to be accused of crimes, more likely to go to jail, more likely to be on welfare, etc. – and do not actively consider it the effect of hundreds of years of subjugation, starting with forced removal and slavery, and consistent inequality since – then you are passively blaming black people for their own status in this country. We all live in a racist society (just as we live in a misogynistic, transphobic, homophobic, etc. society), therefore we are all racist and have to actively examine ourselves and reject the impulse to have racist thoughts and, more importantly, actions. Additionally, we need to hear our black friends when they call us out, and take responsibility rather than deflecting.

And if I hear “I have black friends” one more time I will drop kick a motherfucker.

No matter how actively we challenge racist attitudes, however, we must also acknowledge a different (but connected) problem – institutional racism. I think this is a concept that many white Americans find it difficult to grasp, which is understandable because it can be nebulous. Unfortunately, its ambiguity doesn’t prevent it from having concrete effects. I am certainly not the best person to explain what it (or any of this, for that matter) means, but Wikipedia does a decent job.

Anyway, before you start quoting MLK incorrectly and bitching about “riots” and “looting,” which somehow have become more serious crimes than “murder,” here’s an image of something he actually said:

cs5mi2dukaanbb7(image from PBS)

God there’s so much more to say, I find it difficult to stop. But for every word in these few paragraphs there are millions of words that could be (and have been, and will be) said about racism in America, written and said by far more eloquent people than me.