Guess what dummies? Granola is cheap as fuck! I know the $8.99 recycled paper bag of artisan agave gojiberry granola says otherwise, but I am horrified to find out how few people my age, people who, like, pay taxes and operate cars and have full time jobs, don’t realize that granola is literally just oats.

Most of the time I am disgusted by those Pinterest recipes that are like, make [insert delicious junk food] at home! Why the fuck would I make my own Poptart when I can literally walk five feet to the Bodega and spend like 50 cents on one? The world is an unfathomable place.

But granola, y’all. It’s four cups of oats to 1/3 cup of oil and 1/2 cup of honey and that’s IT. I added cinnamon and cloves and then baked at 300 degrees for 15 minutes, stirred, then 15 more minutes.


Oh my…that picture is somehow worse than the other ones. Like, it’s somehow both blurry and shows the details enough to make it look gross??? Ugh



Honestly I don’t think I really *~got~* salad until last night. Salads are always like $12 at restaurants and I’m like, why would I spend MORE money on fewer calories?

Um, because SALAD DRESSING bitches. I inadvertently bought gluten-free (ugh) vegan (ugh) dressing because it was on sale but DAMN. Brianna’s Rich Poppy Seed dressing. I want to bathe in it.

I decided to give salad a chance because spinach was on sale at the grocery store. Unfortunately it was going bad so I had to use all of it – it’s gonna be a lot of farts today. Everything else I bought was on sale too – that’s another benefit of salad is that you can just throw random shit in and it’s fine. I used: spinachnectarineswalnutsradishes, chickpeas, actually that’s all the ingredients I used. I guess I should be less proud of myself.

That actually looks pretty decent. I guess it’s time to join Pinterest!

Broccoli Stir Fry

I am way too proud of myself for something that took less than 10 minutes to make, but Jesus I feel like a hero. I had leftover sushi rice from when I was being a fat ass and Seamless-ed both a special sushi roll AND a salmon bowl, so I was literally one of those hibachi chefs who make onion volcanos and throw knives and shit.

(I’m a goddess)

I started with a straight-up block of frozen broccoli in hot olive oil (I don’t have peanut oil) and three cloves of garlic because I’m an ogre (yes this is for one serving for one person). My roommates buy ginger in massive jars so I put some of that in there, then I put the rice in. I’d already put a bunch of soy sauce in the rice for some reason so I didn’t add any more.

Then I got culinary as fuck and added honey and cayenne pepper and then some sriracha for good measure. And then I cracked an egg in for pRoTeIn or whatever and now I’m eating all of it right now.

I basically just ate cheese constantly all weekend and week so hopefully this will make my poop less weird.

(I have become garlic)

Mac & Cheez Part Deux

Apparently you’re actually supposed to tell people how to make these things??? If you’re gonna write a blog, be useful and all that??

The problem is that I’m not very precise when I cook because ain’t nobody got time for that so I’ll do my best.

I made almost a cup of dry quinoa and used two cups of dry vegetable pasta to start, and the pasta I didn’t cook QUITE all the way because you cook it again later in the cheese. I just cook the quinoa in the rice cooker. And grate a shitload of cheese – I used a block of cheddar and then like a third of a block of more cheddar so something like 10 or 12 ounces?

Then you melt half a stick of salted butter and stir in a little less than 1/4 cup of flour. I used half whole wheat flour. And also beat an egg on the side. Like I said, you have to stir like 12 things at once. Stir and cook the flour mixture for 5 mins (it will set your smoke alarm off if you don’t keep stirring it) and then put 2 cups of milk (whole, obvi) in. Also spices and shit – I put fresh garlic, chili powder, paprika and cayenne pepper – and then stir/cook THAT for 5 minutes (like literally never have to work out again). Then you stir a small amount (like 1/4 cup will do) of the flour mixture into the egg so the egg doesn’t cook, then put the whole egg mixture into the flour mixture and, you guessed it, stir. Then you put the cheese in!!!!! Yasssssssssssssssss

And then you mix in the pasta and quinoa and go to town on that motherfucker

Macaroni & Cheese

I’m starting to think that I should probably open a restaurant because I’m innovative as fuq in the kitchen. I kind of hate myself for taking the most perfect food in the world and adding healthy shit to it, but if I’m gonna spend a bunch of money on cheese and carbs I have to add some nutrients because otherwise I could just buy $1 pizza and eat a carrot at the same time.

Last week I built houses for Habitat for Humanity which was pretty hard work, AND I burned myself on a drill bit, so I feel like I deserve to drown myself in cheese forever.

(I’m like a war hero at this point)

I went and got veggie macaroni (barf) and used the rest of my roommate’s quinoa (barf) to make a hybrid bougie/plebian dish. Btw, mac & cheese is weirdly complicated? It’s like chemistry class because you put flour and butter together and it’s somehow thicker than both things, and then you add milk and it gets even thicker??? ??? Synergy or something??????????? I couldn’t take any pictures because I had to stir like 10 things at a time so sorry no stupid looking pictures.

Honestly I can’t be that snarky about this because it tastes like it came right out of God’s asshole.