Kale Smoothie

I honestly hate myself every time I pick up kale in the grocery store. Lululemon pants immediately appear on my body and my hair magically arranges itself into a messily-perfect top knot. But kale is the shit! It’s cheap unless you buy it at fucking Sweetgreen in an aUtUmN aPpLe KaLe AnD mEsClUn sAlAd for 15 bucks, although it doesn’t last that long so every time I buy it I try to use it for everything and me being poor as fuck it ends up in places that it really morally should not. Such as in a drink.

it looks like barf)

The first time I tried this I made it in the morning and woke up all my roommates within the first millisecond because we have the cheapest blender on earth and it’s about as grating as the words “Not all men.” Anyway I could hear my soul dying as I put the kale in, but it honestly tastes so fucking good. I put half a frozen banana and four frozen strawberries and some cheap juice that I promise you can only get in low-income areas of New York, but I’m sure you can find an alternative. Think mango infused sugar water.


And you can hide a shitload of kale in this thing…I feel like I have black magic. It’s probably the souls of all the nasty dudes that catcalled me on the way home from work.

look at all this fucking kale)

Anyway, we all know that drinks shouldn’t be green except for margaritas. Please lord forgive me for making drinks out of vegetables.

(that’s as Pinterest as this shit is getting)


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