(It’s so ominous)

I know I could look up an internet tutorial on how to cut this dummy open, but it seems like even the internet won’t have a truly exhaustive answer. These weird-ass fruits are like a Marx brothers film where Groucho gets a giant present and he opens the box only to find another box, opens that box to find another box, and continues to open the boxes to find that there are only more and more boxes. You cut the mango only to find that there is just more mango inside, and never any pit, just mango! Thanks a lot, Harpo!

Whenever I buy these it’s because they’re on sale at our weird grocery store and my roommates always scoff and say that in Pakistan mangoes are like 10x bigger and 1000x juicier or whatever and I’m like chill, bitch. We have Krispy Kreme.

(Image from, obvi)

Yeah. fucking. RIGHT! This bitch was not about to come out as a bunch of uniform cubes.


And can we just talk about Igor over here?



Feminist Banana Bread

Guess what bitches?? I’m down to my last leaf of kale! Is it because I have starting actually sewing it into clothing? Perhaps, but look at the results!

Anyway, other than the obvious benefit, which is the symbolic crushing of the patriarchy, banana bread is great because it makes old, flaccid, impotent bananas useful!

(I will call them Rush Limbaugh, Terry Richardson, and Woody Allen)

Also, what IS baking. Literally, you pull plants out of the ground and grind them up, take chickens’ unfertilized babies, squeeze the shit out of plants until oil comes out, mix it all together, heat it up, and it comes out as solid? What the fuck?

Anyway, after pulverizing these little shits while burning my bra and quoting bell hooks, I put in butter (which, btw, why do people buy unsalted butter? It tastes like straight up nothing and all recipes have salt in them anyway), egg, vanilla, baking soda, cinnamon, cloves, sugar, and wHoLe WhEaT flour and put it in a pan.


Honestly, I don’t have much to talk about here except dicks. I’m sorry.


I burnt it and it tastes like warm, hard sponge I’m guessing because whole wheat flour is stupid.

Quinoa Omelette Bites

As you can see I am diving head-first into the bougiest of foods – first Chia seeds, then kale, and now quinoa. My roommate has this (of course) and even though it’s stupidly expensive it like makes you fly or whatever.

Anyway, this is a recipe, which you can find here:

And as you know mine is going to look exactly like the picture:

(including random-ass leaves of spinach)

What the fuck is a mini muffin tin?

Also, if you think I’m about to waste some egg yolks right now so my ass will be less voluptuous you are severely mistaken. And the other thing is that I don’t have spinach so I am going to use kale because why the fuck do they sell kale in literal bushels??

Why did my quinoa explode all over the rice cooker?

As I’m sure you predicted, I got a little over-zealous with the kale and had to add some flour and oil to make it a little more like dough, but even then, it still looks like leaves rolled in baby diarrhea.

Now I understand what a mini muffin tin is. Lol.

They taste aight but I can think of plenty of better uses for cheese like putting the block straight into my mouth

Kale Smoothie

I honestly hate myself every time I pick up kale in the grocery store. Lululemon pants immediately appear on my body and my hair magically arranges itself into a messily-perfect top knot. But kale is the shit! It’s cheap unless you buy it at fucking Sweetgreen in an aUtUmN aPpLe KaLe AnD mEsClUn sAlAd for 15 bucks, although it doesn’t last that long so every time I buy it I try to use it for everything and me being poor as fuck it ends up in places that it really morally should not. Such as in a drink.

it looks like barf)

The first time I tried this I made it in the morning and woke up all my roommates within the first millisecond because we have the cheapest blender on earth and it’s about as grating as the words “Not all men.” Anyway I could hear my soul dying as I put the kale in, but it honestly tastes so fucking good. I put half a frozen banana and four frozen strawberries and some cheap juice that I promise you can only get in low-income areas of New York, but I’m sure you can find an alternative. Think mango infused sugar water.


And you can hide a shitload of kale in this thing…I feel like I have black magic. It’s probably the souls of all the nasty dudes that catcalled me on the way home from work.

look at all this fucking kale)

Anyway, we all know that drinks shouldn’t be green except for margaritas. Please lord forgive me for making drinks out of vegetables.

(that’s as Pinterest as this shit is getting)

Chia Pudding

Ok why is everyone obsessed with this stuff. And honestly if I see the word Paleo again I am going to barf cheetos all over everyone.

(image from popsugar)

I’m like YAS mine is going to look like this beautiful jar of tapioca pudding.


I made this out of my roommate’s random ass bag of Chia seeds that I’m pretty sure have been in the pantry since we moved in – she’s into buying “super foods” or whatever but she never actually makes anything out of them. She calls it “grocery amnesia” – I have another name for it but in the end it’s positive for me because I can experiment with all the weird stuff she buys.

Anyway this shit is ALL OVER the internet and all those new-agey restaurants all over New York that manage to sell oatmeal for $4.99 because it’s gluten free – hate to tell you but oatmeal was always gluten free.

Anyway I figured there had to be something here because people are so into this shit – well let me tell you.

I thought I was going to have straight up dessert for breakfast and it turns out I’m that barracuda that eats Nemo’s brothers and sisters. OK yes it was easy as fuck. I used my roommate’s almond milk that she forgot about and all the recipes said “aGaVe SyRuP” or whatever so I used some leftover pancake syrup from one time my roommates thought they were going to make brunch but ended up going out because it turns out pancakes are not fun to make hungover at 2 PM on a Sunday.

This is what it looked like:

(all the spoons are in the dishwasher)

LOL. Anyway I guess it isn’t the worst thing I have ever eaten but I got McDonald’s on the way to work because it didn’t fill me up as much as it said it would, plus if I’m going to be a bougey bitch in the morning I should probably make up for it by going back to my true self.